Clerihew Clerihew

Edmund Clerihew Bentley,

One day quite intently,

Thought up a new type of poem

“The humorous, absurd, biographical, and un-insulting style, with irregular meter and length, along with trying to rhyme strange and unique last names with a lot of poetic license, and being able to use French and other non-English phrases,” said he, “will really throw ‘em”.

The True Story of Snow White: Part Four

Three years passed. The king and queen lost all hope of ever finding their daughter, and Snow White became an excellent chef and homemaker, so good that the dwarves came up with an idea; Snow White and they would start a business! Snow White and Hugo would run a bakery, Laffy and Weepy make home decor, Snappy and Speedy hunt, fish, and collect fruits and vegetables, and Groggy and Gutsy would make drinks and cut wood for the bakery fires. They decided to call the establishment The Maiden and the Dwarves; Bakery, Brewery, and Decor.

Soon The Maiden and the Dwarves became the most visited bakery and decor shop in the entire kingdom. Soon everyone wanted to try a blueberry pie or buy handmade jewelry box. Even the nobles wanted to go. Business was a success!

For their fourth anniversary the king decided to take his wife to The Maiden and the Dwarves. The king and queen were enthusiastic, preparing for days their best clothing for the dinner. And soon the day came and the king and queen rode off in a carriage with the huntsman being the coachman. When Snow White saw the royal carriage ride over the hill she promptly began to choke on the apple fritter she was tasting for quality. Hugo began to try to save her but unfortunately neither he or anyone else knew CPR (except Horace who was riding in the royal carriage), so Snow White died that day.

The king and queen were devastated to find out that their daughter died just moments before a possible reunion. But they kept their heads, after hearing the dwarves’ side of the story, the king and queen found that Snow White had deceived the seven of them and forgave the dwarves for not bringing Snow White back to them. They gave Snow White a proper burial, and then decreed that Snow White’s story be told in every school to teach the importance of listening to parents and knowing first aid. Many children learned valuable lessons from this story until one day two school boys, Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm, who were sick of hearing the story changed it and told their schoolmates who told it to others. Soon the original version became lost to history kept only by a family of snails who traveled to America in 1895. You may have guessed that they were Horace’s descendants, and you would be right, they told me so.

Now how I learned to talk to snails? Well that’s another story, and maybe I’ll tell it to you one day.

That’s the true story of Snow White.

The End

The True Story of Snow White: Part Three

Groggy, Weepy, and Gutsy led Snow White into their house on the other side of the forest and introduced her to their four brothers; Laffy, Snappy, Speedy, and Hugo. Each politely bowed to Snow White as his name was called. Then there was a moment of awkward silence broken when Hugo asked Weepy the reason why they had brought Snow White there. Weepy promptly burst into tears. “She was being kidnapped!” he wailed before collapsing on the floor.

The other six dwarves looked at Snow White who nodded. “It’s true, I was…”

“Tell us why,” broke in Speedy, who was awarded with a slap on the arm by Snappy.

“About a year and a half ago my mother died and in a year my father remarried to an evil witch. My new stepmother corrupted my father and caused him to hate me. I tried to please both by wearing the dresses that they liked, learning my lessons, and anything else they wanted me to do. But then came the last straw, they were trying to force me to fall in love with someone that I knew nothing about, so I ran away. But my evil stepmother sent a man to hunt me down and bring me back to her. If it weren’t for you and a box of hardtack, I may have been locked up forever in a tower!”

The dwarves grunted at Snow White’s revelation (except Weepy who had burst into tears again). “We must discuss what to do with you” said Hugo, pushing the rest into a corner. After a quiet discussion (aside from Weepy’s tears), Hugo came back with the groups answer. “We will let you stay here under one condition: You cook and clean for us.”

“Alright” reluctantly agreed Snow White. She couldn’t do either very well, but decided that cooking and cleaning was better than going back to live with her stepmother.

 

The huntsman was rudely awakened by a snail crawling up his neck. His brain swum as he tried to remember why he was in the middle of the forest. The huntsman sat up straight and flicked the surprised Horace unto Arion’s flank. The huntsman looked around for the three strange men and Snow White. Upon seeing no one, the huntsman tried to find some tracks or a clue to where Snow White might have gone. After searching for hours, the huntsman had to return to the king and queen empty-handed.

The king and queen were heartbroken. Their daughter had run away! It was too much to take in, they issued many posters with a description of the princess and placed on them the promise of a large reward. But to no avail, only eight people in the world knew where Snow White was, and none of them would tell.

To be continued…

The True Story of Snow White: Part Two

As soon as the king and queen discovered that Snow White ran away, the king sent out a search party and the queen employed her best huntsman to track down the girl. Once leaving the castle, the huntsman easily traced Snow White’s location and kindly requested that she return to the castle with him. Snow White refused, so the huntsman gently picked up Snow White and placed her on the saddle behind him and gently nudged his horse, Arion, along. Snow White kicked and screeched as she, the huntsman, and Arion trotted back to the castle.

Three dwarves named Groggy, Weepy, and Gutsy, heard Snow White’s deafening screech. “It’s so loooud.” exclaimed Weepy before melting into a pile of tears. Gutsy ran toward the sound while Groggy slowly pulled the now sprawled out Weepy after him. Groggy arrived at the scene and dunked behind a bush followed by Groggy and a quietly sniffing Weepy.

On the other end of the large bush Snow White was shouting “Woah horse!” and kicking the huntsman’s shins while the huntsman was saying “Giddy-up!” and trying to avoid getting smacked on the face by branches. Poor Arion didn’t know what to do and just trotted around in circles.

“She’s being kidnapped” sobbed Weepy quietly, “Such a tragedy!”

“I’ll get this” muttered Groggy, pulling out a blunderbuss and ramming dirt clods, thistle plants, and a unfortunate snail named Horace into the barrel.

“You dum-dum,” hissed Gutsy, “You couldn’t even hit the broadside of a cow with that gun and.. Don’t point that thing at me!” Gutsy placed his finger on the barrel and pushed it down and away from him. “Let me show you how to really do it .” Gutsy pulled a throwing knife from it’s sheath and aimed at the huntsman. Just as he was about to throw, Weepy caught sight of Horace the snail in the barrel of Groggy’s gun, and he burst into tears causing Gutsy to whip his head around and bury his knife into a maple tree (which coincidently did not have a name).

Just as Gutsy was turning to yell at Groggy and Weepy, the huntsman peered over the bush. “Anything I can help you fellows with?” he inquired kindly.

“Well actually…” began Gutsy.

“There’s a snail in the gun,” wailed Weepy.

The huntsman leaned over and carefully pulled Horace from the gun’s barrel.

“Thank you ever so much,” sniffed Weepy, composing himself.

“It was nothing,” smiled the huntsman just as Snow White struck the back of his head with a box of hardtack. The huntsman slumped forward.

Quickly Snow White jumped off Arion. “We will save you from your kidnapper!” exclaimed Weepy trying to contort his face into a smile, but failing miserably.

“Shuttup” growled Gutsy slapping Weepy in the back of his head. Groggy attempted a halfhearted slap of his own. Turning back to Snow White, Gutsy bowed, introduced them all, and said, “If you wish, you may come back to our house, sip some tea, and tell us why that man was trying to kidnap you.”

Snow White was cold and was glad for the offer, “Yes, I will.”

 

As the three dwarves led Snow White toward their cottage, Horace began a long, long crawl from his rescuer’s finger to his face to see if the huntsman needed mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

To be continued…

The True Story of Snow White: Part One

    One day as she was embroidering, a queen pricked her finger with a needle. The queen bit back a tear of pain as three ruby red drops of blood landed on her artwork. After bandaging her finger, the queen saw how lovely the red mingled with the white of the fabric and black of the thread. The queen wished that she could have a daughter whose hair was as was as black as night, skin was as white as snow, and whose lips were the color of rubies. And, even though her wish was unrealistic, it was granted. The queen and her husband the king named the child Snow White.

When Snow White was fifteen, her mother died. A year later the king remarried to a kind and beautiful upper-class widow. The widow, who had no children of her own doted on Snow White. But Snow White was not kind to her stepmother. Just the opposite, Snow White complained about her food, whined when the queen tried to teach her sewing, refused to wear any gowns, and called her stepmother “Witch” and “Cruel”. All in all, Snow White was a very rebellious adolescent.

One day, the king and queen tried to throw a Christmas ball. Upon informing Snow White about the ball and kindly requesting her to please behave and dance with at least one boy. Snow White was horror-stricken and ran to her room. A boy! She would have to dance with a boy? So, making up her mind, Snow White jumped out of her second story window into a snow drift and ran off into the woods.

To be continued…

Happy Throw Short People Day!

As long as the person that you throw is under 5’6″ you may throw them without permission today. Please use care and consideration. Remember; lift with your knees and not with your back.

(If you are under 5’6″, you better hide)

Okras Vs. Orcas

While Mom and I were taking trash to the dump we got into a discussion; which was more dangerous; an okra or an orca?

Now Mom said it was an orca, because, even though they look beautiful, they turn dangerous when they want to attack. I said okras, because they are vegetables, and something like 1.8 million people each year die from enough fruit and vegetable intake… or something like that (those five year-olds know what we need to eat. Right?). And only 10 people are killed by sharks each year.

What do you think? Which is more dangerous; an okra or an orca?

Public Interest Poll Pt. 3

  1. What do you most like to cook/bake?
  2. Are you frightened by insects?
  3. How big are those insects?
  4. Do they pull your hair?
  5. What’s your favorite thing to do?
  6. Does it involve train tracks?

I would greatly appreciate it if you fill out this form and post it in the comments. Feel free to skip questions or write N/A.

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